attitude check regarding parents
I spent most of last year researching families, specifically the degree to which parents intentionally disciple their children. I listened to parents and children, observed them in their home environments, read reports from research colleagues who did likewise in their settings domestically and around the world, interviewed experts, and read many books and journal articles pertaining to the issue. A number of themes emerged. Some were encouraging. Others were troubling. One, in particular, deserves to be brought to correction.
We need to stop hammering parents with what we perceive they are doing wrong.
Not what you expected, I will warrant. But there you have it.
Yes, I understand that some parents need a wake-up call concerning their obligations to their children and to the Lord. I get that. However, there ought to be ways to do it without bludgeoning them with data and horror stories about how they have failed their families or God.
Most parents are quite aware of their struggles. And most want to do the right thing. They just are not sure how to go about doing it. The fact that some church leaders and popular authors continue to assail them with their faults is not helping matters. Especially when we are largely responsible for the problem. Indeed, together we are products of a culture in America which, by default, has assigned primary responsibility for childhood education to public institutions and primary responsibility for spiritual instruction to local churches. Oh, we say it is the primary responsibility of parents, but our behavior demonstrates otherwise. And so we go with what we have known most of our lives, as do many of today’s parents. So why be so critical of them? Why not provide solutions? Why not provide gentle encouragement, coming alongside parents with practical tools and showing them how to live out discipleship in their families by our own examples?
I am happy to point out that many voices out there are initiating solutions, both in traditional education and in the context of the church. That is an encouraging thing. I only ask my colleagues abroad to consider the tone and content of their rhetoric as they communicate with parents in their congregations. They are human, too. Like you. Like me. Full of insecurity. Prone to build walls when they sense yet another lecture or attack on their parenting ability. Let’s tear down the walls, starting with ourselves as leaders. In our vulnerability, let’s show them we know what it means to struggle with uncertainty and parenting challenges. We don’t have all the answers, but we will join with them in seeking God for his best solutions. Let’s be real. Authentic. Then we will begin to see some meaningful conversations take place about spiritual formation in our homes. Then we will see fathers taking ownership of family discipleship along with their wives. Then we will see children flourish.
New Kidology Coach
Kidology just announced that Rev. Todd McKeever will join Rev. Barney Kinard as a Kidology Coach. Kidology Coaching is a great mentoring program which guides students through twenty-six foundational areas of ministry. Each coach adds their unique experiences and expertise to the conversations which occur during the student interactions.
I sat down over breakfast with Barney recently. The time I spent with him was encouraging. He spoke very highly of Todd. I share his assessment that Todd will bless his students with his sharp mind, deep experience, and generous heart.
So, do you plan to enroll in Kidology Coaching? Head on over to Kidology now and get started. Whether you are paired with Barney or Todd, I am confident that your experience will revolutionize how you view your ministry, helping you to go to the next level which God has for you.
dreams of a flightless bird
Why does it seem so easy to see clearly for another person, but not for myself? Have you ever felt this tension? I can see the potential for another individual, but when I consider my own situation I am mired in the present (or is it the past?) as if my feet are in mud and I can scarcely walk, let alone make progress toward my hopes and dreams. I begin to question whether I deserve such lofty aspirations. I hide under a cloak of practicality. I bury those dreams which allow my deepest desires to flourish, assuming they must have been meant for someone else. It is like dreaming of winged flight, only to realize I am a flightless bird. I go to flight school. I study the theory of flight. I practice in flight simulators. I attend flight retreats and conferences, and even wear an official flight jacket. But at the end of it all I am still a flightless bird. Or so I persuade myself over many years of silent conversation. It is as if my dreams never existed. And thus they die. And something inside of me dies along with them.
It is easier for me to engage in dreams which clearly benefit others. Those, I can justify. And I surely delight in them. My dissertation was not for me, strictly speaking. It was for my church, especially for the parents I am privileged to pastor. It was also for their children. I was motivated to turn the heart of parents and children to each other and God in Jesus Christ. It was one dream fulfilled through many years of God’s grace, provision, encouragement from many others, and very hard work. I am thankful for it, but it does not satisfy at the heart level the longings which I bear down deeply.
As I reflect on my current station in life, I am both thankful and unsettled. I am motivated and uneasy. I am thankful for all God has done, and will do. I am unsettled by my selfishness to complain about my feelings and my struggles. I am motivated to trust God and please him through joyful obedience and humble service. I am uneasy because I know that I too often fall far short of this ideal; I fail miserably on account of my disobedience, my pride, and the complaining in my heart. It hurts to admit. It is liberating, all the same. I am human; son of the first adam with all the sinful traits inherited from his bloodline. Yet also adopted as co-heir with Jesus Christ. And that is an encouraging reminder.
I still don’t see clearly. The future is opaque. I have hope in Jesus Christ. I trust him. And I move forward in my slow, plodding way. Testing the wind velocity. Attempting to sense potential downdrafts or predatory birds. Preparing for that day when God will lift the veil from my eyes even to a small degree, and speak the command to take flight….
Five Things That CM Volunteers Need
What do CM volunteers need?
- Affirmation. We all need encouragement. Volunteers are no different. Honor them. Brag about them in their presence to others. Deflect praise to them. Shoulder the burden of criticism so as to minimize its impact on them. (This is a necessary task of leadership. There is a time for volunteers to hear and deal with constructive criticism, but it can be demoralizing if they get hit with it week after week without any kind of filter or support system.) If they do not feel appreciated, then they typically will migrate to opportunities which yield consistent positive feedback. It is a fact of human nature. Ignore it at your church’s peril.
- Resources. Ministry to children requires basic supplies and tools. It also needs various knock-your-socks-off cool props and set pieces to capture the imaginations of children and those volunteers that get to work with them. Even if you have little or no budget in your church, start small and build a treasure chest of cool stuff for your workers to use in the ministry. You might even network with other local churches to see if they would loan you their cool stuff. I bet they would be willing to give it if they no longer have a need for it!
- Clear expectations. Never assume your volunteers know every policy or procedure in your church. This relates to taking children to the restroom, check-in/check-out procedures, appropriate physical touch, sanitizing toys and tools and general cleanup, and so on. Do they know what to do? Are you sure? Write it down. Post critical information on walls in conspicuous places. Have a handbook full of the information which is given to each teacher and ask them to sign that they have read and understood it (I am currently developing this for my church, both for leaders and for parents. It is hard, but necessary).
- Training. Learn the culture of your church and train your people using appropriate means. In my context, much of the training currently occurs using just-in-time training and mentoring. In the past we have done seminars, classes, and sent people to events. We try to have current leaders training rising leaders.
- Communication. Be in contact with your leaders in various ways. This is not hard to do in the current environment with social technologies, handheld devices, email, cell phones, and–dare I mention it–the ability actually to speak face-to-face (rumors of this method’s demise are highly exaggerated).
What would you add?
are you going to Napkin Conference?
I am sitting in the Western Seminary library’s computer lab during my lunch hour. I am thinking about you, my blogging friends. Wouldn’t be nice if I could meet some of you at an event? Yes, I agree. It would be nice. This is why I am considering the Napkin Conference in Las Vegas. Are you going? Some really cool people will be there. And then, to balance things out, I may even be there. Just ordinary me, full of love for God and people, wanting to meet others who share those two traits in common. If you plan to be there I invite you to leave a comment on this blog. Help me make the final decision before it’s too late and all the open tickets are gone…. Help me, BlogyWan Kenobi (that would be you), you’re my only hope (not really, but I am not above grovelling just to get attention).
UPDATE
I signed up for Napkin conference tonight! I am excited to be going. I hope to see you there!
dreaming outloud
dreaming outloud in a burst of brainstorming urgency…
dreaming that faith conversations in two-parent homes will increasingly be sparked by the initiative of fathers…
dreaming that parents will access the creativity and support of other parents, initiating mutually beneficial conversations about life and faith…
dreaming that singles will have a place at the table as whole persons who are full participants in communities of faith…
dreaming that missional innovation will be unleashed from the homes of parishioners as a direct consequence of their prayers and shared Bible reading and conversations…
dreaming that pastors will be unleashed to mentor their fellow members of the royal priesthood (anyone whose name is written in the Lamb’s book of life), thereby tearing down false walls of the clerical/laity divide…
dreaming that false dichotomies which mischaracterize persons, organizations, the Bible, and God, will be effectively dispelled for the sake of clarity concerning the gospel…
dreaming that people will grab on to hope in the midst of despair, joy in the midst of fear, opportunity in the midst of chaos, simplicity in the midst of confusion, relationship in the midst of distrust, and laughter in the midst of anger, recognizing that God is still God regardless of the dynamic seismic shifts occurring in society…
dreaming that children will be given their proper priority as children in homes and the larger society, without overindulgence prone to teach them selfishness, but with a proper balance of discipline, provision and love necessary to teach them to be fully who God has intended them to be, members of the royal priesthood, followers of the Lord Jesus Christ.
the hours alone
My reality at home is one of quiet solitude. Yet there is purpose. I choose to focus my attention on how best to serve the Lord Jesus Christ. I think often about how I can be a witness through my work and my time among others in the city. And then I do it. Solitude is a familar friend. For some it leads to isolation. I admit I have those moments as well. The holidays are a vulnerable season, where I do not quite feel like I fit. Perhaps I don’t in quite the ways people expect. And that is okay. So, I seek out others less fortunate than myself. And I try to bless them in tangible ways, always with kindness. And I seek out others who are going through struggles. I try to encourage them the best I know how.
I am mindful of the lady who stands daily at the corner of 42nd and Glisan each morning and afternoon. Rain or shine. Hot or cold. Who is caring for her? And what about the elderly Vietnam vet at the corner of 39th and Sandy? Who is comforting him? What of the many hundreds of others like them throughout the city?
When I consider their isolation in the midst of the elements, it brings to focus the opportunity I have to give of myself and, where appropriate, my resources to encourage them.
I also think of the children and parents in some of the apartments I frequent who appear to live lives of quiet desperation, paycheck-to-paycheck, one day-at-a-time. The weeks turn into months and then years, as a blur quickly forgotten, until someone cares enough to demonstrate the love of Jesus among them.
I can do that.
I can break the cycle of my own temptation to isolate and enter the world of people just like me who hurt. Who hunger. Who wonder.
Just like me.
Suddenly the hours alone become opportunities to engage others right where they are at. No gimmicks or bait-n-switch tactics.
Just being real.
Together for a time to lighten the burden of the hours alone.
The hours I spend alone can seem lonely. The hours they spend alone often are lonely. Until someone like me gives of my time to befriend them.
Until someone like you enters their world. And then the hours alone transform into something different, including hours together in ways that heal and restore.
I can do that. So can you.
three necessary attitudes for parent coaching
During the last ten weeks I have been thinking deeply about my relationship with parents in my church. The Fall edition of the VIP initiative which I inaugurated ten weeks ago has concluded this weekend. Six families faithfully interacted with me based on what God is leading them to do. What a privilege to converse with them regarding their daily realities and goals.
Thus far, I have eight families lined up to participate in the Winter session of VIP, four of whom are new to the conversation. I expect to have from fifteen to twenty families signed up when January 10 arrives.
So, I ponder our relationship, asking myself how I can best posture myself to serve their needs. Here are some preliminary thoughts about the attitude I desire to convey in my interactions with them.
- Humility. I am humbled by the privilege they have extended to me to be a small part of their lives. I take it seriously. It brings to mind Paul’s admonition to the Philippians, that our “attitude should be the same as the Christ Jesus” (Phil. 2:5). Previous to that he writes
- Love. I love the families I am privileged to help pastor. A fierce love. A sincere love. I am reminded of One Corinthians 13, where the Apostle Paul describes the virtues of love. He writes
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves (Phil. 2:1-4).
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Cor. 13:4-7).
- Encouragement. I desire to encourage families in such a way that the hearts of parents and children are turned to God and each other in Christ so that they may grow in Christian maturity and love for one another. My attitude is informed by two corresponding passages of Scripture referring to John the Baptizer, the forerunner of the Messiah, the Prophet who would come in the power and spirit of Elijah and turn the hearts of fathers to their children (Hebrew for father Malachi 4:6 אָב; Greek for father Luke 1:17 Πατρος). I find it compelling that the one who prepared the way for Jesus did so in a way that drew the hearts of families both to the Messiah and to each other. Indeed, the text in both passages uses the word for fathers rather than parents. However, I attribute this to a number of factors, not least the patristic culture in which he lived, the fact that fathers are intended by God to be the spiritual leaders of the home, and the unfortunate fact that such a high percentage of fathers choose not to obey God’s call to take on that role through their attitudes and behavior, leaving the responsibility to the mothers. Yet, I am seeing fathers begin to own their responsibility and that is an encouraging thing, both for our culture and their families.
I pray that churches everywhere will find ways to gain traction in helping families focus on life with Jesus Christ daily, even hourly, in their homes. Parent coaching is one way to begin the conversation so as to encourage parents in this direction, applauding their positive steps, and nurturing them despite their setbacks.
priorities
Priorities are those things which occur to you first when you are under pressure. They bubble to the surface when the cauldron is cooking. They display your temperament and those things you hold down deeply under the surface. Priorities lock arms with you as you navigate workplace or ministry changes. They dominate your checkbook and your calendar. They line your bookshelves and media library. They are stored as cookies on your computer hard drive, quietly remembering your browsing behavior. Priorities color your thinking and conversation. They captivate your attention. They are your priority. For good or for ill. For some, this is a comfort. For many, this is a wake-up call.
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