Generate Your Own Church Sign!

Now you too can generate your very own church sign, thanks to the friendly folks at Church Sign Generator. Need ideas? No worries! Check out some of their examples of real signs which they have photographed and posted here for your viewing instruction. Here you can see the sign I created, based on a few experiences I have actually had when visiting churches over the years. Have fun!

Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be "Hip."

10. You still love groovin’ to the sounds of B.J. Thomas on your eight track player.
9. When someone asks to borrow your IPod you show them the leather pouch holding your fake eye while giving gnarly pirate holler, “Aaargh, aaargh!”
8. You think podcast means playing catch with your fake eye.
7. You keep your mullet because you want to be on the leading edge of “cool” if the trend ever reappears.
6. You use your belly as a tray holder while sitting down for the evening meal of fried baloney and cheetos.
5. You’re starting to blend in with all the other pastors who wear hush puppies, dockers and sweaters while seeking to make meaningful eye contact for political advantage at denominational meetings (Did I say that outloud?).
4. You’re child wants to wear your favorite clothes for halloween to sport a scary retro look.
3. Your ear hair is longer than your mustache and you are okay with that.
2. You think sandles, dark socks and khaki shorts with a plaid polo shirt are kinda sporty looking.
1. You still wear your polo shirt collar up while sporting spiked hair and winking often with both forefingers pointing when meeting someone new.

A Satirical Resume of a Pretend Perfect Children’s Pastor Based on Observations of Expectations (Color Commentary Included)

Clark Kent (Might as well go for name recognition)
Married to Lois Lane (Again name recognition, plus she holds down a consistent job so we don’t have to pay Clark as much. She doesn’t play piano but we will forgive her for that THIS time since her work ethic will come in handy doing all the extra stuff we will expect of her as a sort of unwritten contract) This just as easily could be reversed with Lois fulfilling the Children’s Pastor role and Clark in a support role. If you would like to offer feedback on this please contact the Daily Planet Editorial Section.

Personal qualifications: The energy of a twenty year old and the wisdom of an eighty year old.

Personal Appearance: Must look dignified in a way that relates to children, is acceptable to parents, is approvable by church leadership, is not too threatening to other church staff. Must wear clothing made with own hands so as to represent frugality, industriousness and freedom from the temptation to wear designer clothing.

Hair style will be evaluated monthly by an anonymous focus group of otherwise inactive church members. Adjustments must be implemented accordingly and immediately upon pain of public remonstration at the next public hearing.

Proven and demonstrable expertise (A PhD in each would be preferable) in the following disciplines:

Parenting
Husband-wife relationships
Bible, OT and NT
Education, specifically educational ministry and its application to church based educational programs.
Curriculum and instruction with particular emphasis on developing, writing and implementing context-sensitive curriculum specifically designed for the children of any designated ministry situation.
Human development, especially child development with a specialization in working with kids that have special needs. These may include but certainly are not limited to drug affected children, abused children, hyperactive children, children with ADD or ADHD, foster children, children with physical limitations, children of single parents (divorce, widowed, out of wed-lock), children of divorce and remarriage, latch-key children, children of pastors (yes this can represent a special need at times), etc.
Musician, preferably playing an instrument such as guitar or keyboards.
Vocalist.
Choir directing. (Preferably a lyricist and composer as well, so as to save money on purchasing new music)
Drama coach.

Set Designer

Artist (Drawer, painter, sculptor, etc)

Landscape Designer

Waste Management Architect
Nurse
Athletics: A rounded athlete with broad expertise in every sport conceivable.
Theologian (Able to apply theological truth on demand for every situation)
Philosopher
Puppeteer
Juggler
Illusionist
Missionary (Must apply missions principles to reach local neighborhood. A DMiss is acceptable for this requirement)
Clowning
Counselor
Project Manager
Event Planner (Especially large events)
Mentor (Especially mentoring emerging leaders as well as children)
Certified Train the Trainer
Accountant
An “and anything else the pastor tells you to do” resource implementation technician

A photographic memory (Must be able to remember every detail about the children and their families and adult leaders and their families.)

Required experience:
30 years experience growing a childrens ministry to a set number of children to be predetermined by the search committee.
No more than five years out of seminary so as not to be too far removed from training.

Minimum Education: MDiv (But what we really want is lots and lots and lots of practical expertise, the equivalent of which would be more PhDs than could be afforded at a major university).

Random Dialogue Harvested from 20+ years of Children’s Ministry

12 year old boy: Does your moustache grow out of your nose?
My reply: No…. I sneezed and then *whap* there it was!

80 year old woman: What’s that dent on yer forehead?
My reply: It’s the scar from my lobotomy. But I’m feeling much better now!

6 year old girl: Are you married?
My reply: No honey, I am not.
girl: Do you wanna be married?
My reply: No hon….
girl: Do you have a dog?
My reply: no…
girl: a cat?
My reply: no…
girl: a fish?
My reply: *sigh* no….

3 year old girl: You got bad breath!
My reply: Laughter.

6 year old boy: You have really let yourself go. You need to do something about that.
My reply: Thank you for caring. Now let me help you understand respect….

4 year old girl: Are you having a baby?
My reply: A smile and then later, unrestrained laughter.

4 year old girl: Pastor Glen! You’re silly!
My reply: No, you’re silly!
girl: no, you’re silly!
My reply: No, you’re silly!

5 year old girl: You’re the best teacher ever.
My reply: Thank you.

Various adults over many years: When are you going to go into real ministry?
My response: Befuddlement. I never know how to respond graciously to that one so usually I just smile and move on.

Various parents over the years: We appreciate what you are doing. But please never ever ask us to help. We just aren’t “called.”
My response in various forms: Wow. Ok. Well I appreciate your vote of confidence. Just know you are always welcome to partner actively with us as we work together to influence your children for Christ. Also don’t forget that volunteering from time to time in the children’s ministry is one of the best hands on parent training tools we can offer you.

Parent criticizing me for wearing tennis shoes on a Sunday at children’s church: Please wear dress shoes to church. I am trying to get my boys to wear dress shoes but they don’t want to because you don’t.
My response: Well I appreciate your concern to teach your boys a dress code that is important for your family. For my part I plan to continue wearing tennis shoes because I am expected to work with these kids, often out doors, and tennis shoes are more comfortable and hold up better to the abuse I put them through. Perhaps this can be an opportunity to help your boys understand that they must listen to you regardless of what others might be doing.

Parent: I don’t like your sign up sheet. It just isn’t good enough. You need to change it.
My reply: It sounds like you have some heart felt ideas about how to improve the sign up sheet. Here is the sign up sheet. I am giving you full authority to change it however you like. Bring it back to me when you have completed it and we can talk about a final draft. Sound good?
Parent: Sure, I can do that.

End result: It never happened, although I would have welcome the participation.
Moral of the story: I welcome feedback from parents and church members, but along with their feedback I expect them to demonstrate how they plan to be a part of the solution.

4 year old boy: I am a big strong boy!
My reply: Yes you are!
boy: And you are a big strong man!