Welcome to a new year and new decade!

*Tap*tap*tap* (((((echo))))) Wow. It is quiet here. Everyone must be asleep from a night of celebration, ringing in the new year. For my part, I went to bed early, although I did wake up five minutes before midnight only to fall right back asleep. I know. I am a party animal. Rawr. :)

2011 is here. For the record, I am pronouncing it twenty-eleven, not two thousand eleven. The latter is far too cumbersome, don’t you think? Consider what will happen, say, one hundred fifty years from now. Do we expect people to be saying, “Two thousand one hundred and eleven?” I don’t think so. They will say, “Twenty-one sixty-one.” Simple as that.

So, this is my contribution on this first day of the new year and new decade. Let’s all agree to say the year in a way that meets with our long held linguistic tradition. Let’s say, “Twenty eleven!” Just like that. Go ahead. You can do it. C’mon. I promise, no one will laugh at you or call you before the thought police in D.C. Say it. There, now. Didn’t that just roll off the tongue? Twenty eleven. So much easier than two thousand eleven. And think of all the carbon that will be not be expelled into the ozone because you were diligent to conserve, yes? For every word you are able to omit from your conversation, a corresponding amount of carbon is thereby not released into the atmosphere, thereby lowering the sea levels and–what? Why are you looking at me that way? Oh, nevermind. Say it however you want, you carbon exhaler, you.

In the meantime, have a wonderful new year full of joy and happiness. And thank you for enduring this moment of satirical respite. If you were offended by my climate change humor in anyway, I am sure you will find the little x on the top right hand corner of your screen which will help you scurry along elsewhere. Just don’t breathe too hard while exiting. Don’t want another iceberg to calve as a result in Antarctica. :D


The Twelve Doctrines of Christmas

Are you looking for a song to help teach your children the important doctrines of the faith at home or church? Do you want to lead your kids into the deeper waters of theological discourse? Look no further! This video will show you how.

concerning faxes

The other day I was conversing with a notary at a local UPS Store and arranging for a document to be faxed immediately. She promptly did so, whereupon I asked if I could get a copy of the fax. She said, “You can have the original back.”

I replied, “But didn’t the original travel through the wire?”

She said, “Well, the fax line transmits an electronic signal which sends a facsimile of the document to its destination. The original does not travel through the wire.”

I smiled and laughed, “I was just kidding. It is a Dilbert joke I read the other day.”

She visibly relaxed and said, “Oh. We really do get people asking that question and they are quite serious.”

honk for curb service

Photo by Glen Alan Woods

Hey! I have an idea for contextualizing church in the urban environment where there is minimal parking, borrowing insight from the local drycleaning establishment in downtown Portland. Honk three times if you think it will work! But please remain in your car. We don’t want the parishioners mingling, you know.

You can pay your toll tithe in the nearby electronic ticket dispenser. The onscreen sermon will display your convenient five minute happy thought for the day, after which you can respond to the concluding invitation by honking your horn as follows: 1) honk once if you want to say amen to the preacher’s message; 2) honk twice if you want to make a life-changing commitment, whereupon your car will be guided through the automatic carwash, symbolizing your decision; 3) honk three times if you want to go home now, whereupon the security gate will lift up and you will be allowed through to go about your business.

If you wait too long (five minutes) after the sermon is completed to honk your appropriate response, your car will be towed to the church Bookstore where you must purchase the preacher’s latest book on happy thoughts.

I wonder if a publisher will allow me to write a book on this innovation?

Age Appropriate VBS: One topic that might not be a good idea.

A moment ago the following took place in instant message. I have changed my friend’s id to “friend” in order to safeguard the id. I share this in order to emphasize how important it is to provide for age appropriate content in the children’s ministry, especially in VBS. Below, observe me setting the example. Note that I didn’t say it was a good example!

friend (10:48:54 PM): what are your plans for the weekend?
Glen (10:49:10 PM): work at the store and then the church
Glen (10:49:28 PM): and plan for vbs
friend (10:49:51 PM): kewl
friend (10:49:55 PM): do you have a theme?
Glen (10:51:09 PM): yes, we are going to research chiastic parallelism in the fourth gospel with a view to understanding the underlying motif of misunderstanding between Jesus and the varied characters, not least the Pharisees and the disciples.
Glen (10:51:32 PM): we try to keep it age appropriate

Of husbands and wives….

Here is a conversation between two dear friends of mine, one male, the other female, about his relationship with his wife:

Man: “I am not the multi-syllabic type. I generally grunt a lot. I place the emphasis on the front, middle or end of the grunt to inform my wife of what I want. GRunt (food) grUnt (ketchup) gruNT (napkin). It’s all good. “

Woman: “You use a napkin?”

Man: “Well, sometimes she just grabs my shirt tail and pulls it up over my head and says, ‘There.'”

Previously on Days of our Children….

You never know what to expect when children get together, especially the two brothers in this video which was brought to my attention by a friend. Will Charley let go of his brother’s finger? Will his brother learn not to stick his finger into Charley’s mouth? Tune in to this one and only edition of Days of our Children….Silence on set! Lights! Roll camera! Scene 1, Take 1. Action!