of hearts once broken and still scarred

It’s quiet again. The late evening muse has settled in. And I reflect on my day. My life. I am thankful, though a bit bemused. Thankful finally to be done with formal schooling. Bemused about where it has gotten me, far from my original hopes and dreams. I am not disappointed. Well, not too much. I am surprised, more than anything. But not really. Who I have always been is coming full circle. Or maybe a more apt description is that it is coming to the surface. Yet, it emerges not in its infancy, but in a more mature form. I am who I have always been, only more so. Yet I have changed in important ways and continue to change, particularly in recent months.

In small group last night we were asked to share an area of personal struggle. I volunteered. I spoke of my lifelong struggle concerning the issue of calling. I know I am called. Called to follow Jesus. Called to minister. Called to share the gospel. Called to be a missionary to those around me. Yet, I struggle at times with doubt. It goes something like this:

Who, me? You have GOT to be kidding. Look at me. I am a loser. I am shy. I am ugly, and socially awkward. Are you sure you got the right person?

Lies, all. Yet they pierce my heart in those dark moments when disappointment or hurtful behavior from others matches wits with memories of my own wrong choices and perceived shortcomings to raise to the surface doubt about God’s call on my life.

I don’t know if my readers go through times like this. If not, I understand if my admission surprises you. It’s the reality of life in a world at spiritual war, at least for me. It is the stuff of hearts once broken and still scarred, yet being transformed by the grace of Jesus Christ. It is in those moments that the memory of the beloved disciple leaning against Jesus for reassurance speaks volumes to me. For in that memory I can almost hear the heartbeat of Christ sounding steadily in my ear and bringing confidence to my heart.


One thought on “of hearts once broken and still scarred

  1. There’s a well-used line from the 1942 movie Casablanca. A shooting has been committed, and the officer who witnessed it firsthand decides to protect the shooter, in this case Humphrey Bogart. The officer tells his subordinates, “Round up the usual suspects.”

    I think that’s what I do almost every time that I myself struggle with doubt concerning things that I know the Lord wants me to be doing. I pull out the usual excuses and surround my heart with them. It is the shield of my own making, my own cowardice. I am afraid. The reason is that spiritual war you mentioned. It also has to do with those “scars”, too. I have been in situations where I have had opportunities to share something about Jesus with some physically tiny person say, a young lady maybe 110 lbs. and 5′ 2″. I’m 6′, 250 lbs and yet my stomach is still filled with “butterflies”. I’m not sure, but I think I could take her. It

    I have always been a pretty shy person. I would really like to be fearless, and the Lord has made progress with me over the years. It’s a progression, and for me personally (I am not saying this is the case with anyone else) it probably has less to do with anything else than the fact that due to spiritual laziness I have simply not shared my faith as much as I should have. I find that the more that I do, the less afraid I become. I think for me anyway, that translates to other areas of ministry which the Lord sets before me, and for which I march out, the usual suspects.

    Blessings, David

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