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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Age Appropriate VBS: One topic that might not be a good idea.

June 27, 2008 glenwoods Leave a comment

A moment ago the following took place in instant message. I have changed my friend’s id to “friend” in order to safeguard the id. I share this in order to emphasize how important it is to provide for age appropriate content in the children’s ministry, especially in VBS. Below, observe me setting the example. Note that I didn’t say it was a good example!

friend (10:48:54 PM): what are your plans for the weekend?
Glen (10:49:10 PM): work at the store and then the church
Glen (10:49:28 PM): and plan for vbs
friend (10:49:51 PM): kewl
friend (10:49:55 PM): do you have a theme?
Glen (10:51:09 PM): yes, we are going to research chiastic parallelism in the fourth gospel with a view to understanding the underlying motif of misunderstanding between Jesus and the varied characters, not least the Pharisees and the disciples.
Glen (10:51:32 PM): we try to keep it age appropriate

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Of husbands and wives….

March 8, 2008 glenwoods Leave a comment

Here is a conversation between two dear friends of mine, one male, the other female, about his relationship with his wife:

Man: “I am not the multi-syllabic type. I generally grunt a lot. I place the emphasis on the front, middle or end of the grunt to inform my wife of what I want. GRunt (food) grUnt (ketchup) gruNT (napkin). It’s all good. “

Woman: “You use a napkin?”

Man: “Well, sometimes she just grabs my shirt tail and pulls it up over my head and says, ‘There.’”

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Previously on Days of our Children….

February 13, 2008 glenwoods Leave a comment

You never know what to expect when children get together, especially the two brothers in this video which was brought to my attention by a friend. Will Charley let go of his brother’s finger? Will his brother learn not to stick his finger into Charley’s mouth? Tune in to this one and only edition of Days of our Children….Silence on set! Lights! Roll camera! Scene 1, Take 1. Action!

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Generate Your Own Church Sign!

August 14, 2007 glenwoods 1 comment

Now you too can generate your very own church sign, thanks to the friendly folks at Church Sign Generator. Need ideas? No worries! Check out some of their examples of real signs which they have photographed and posted here for your viewing instruction. Here you can see the sign I created, based on a few experiences I have actually had when visiting churches over the years. Have fun!
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Deep Thoughts on Choices by Dwight Shrute

August 3, 2007 glenwoods 2 comments

Deep thoughts by Dwight Shrute. I might not use the term “idiot” when making choices, but I think he is on to something, in his own scripted, twisted way….:)

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Cannon Ball Baptism: A Case Study in Baptism by Emersion

November 26, 2006 glenwoods 2 comments

Many thanks to my former systematic theology professor, Gerry Breshears, for alerting me to this video. :)

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Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be "Hip."

October 13, 2006 glenwoods Leave a comment

10. You still love groovin’ to the sounds of B.J. Thomas on your eight track player.
9. When someone asks to borrow your IPod you show them the leather pouch holding your fake eye while giving gnarly pirate holler, “Aaargh, aaargh!”
8. You think podcast means playing catch with your fake eye.
7. You keep your mullet because you want to be on the leading edge of “cool” if the trend ever reappears.
6. You use your belly as a tray holder while sitting down for the evening meal of fried baloney and cheetos.
5. You’re starting to blend in with all the other pastors who wear hush puppies, dockers and sweaters while seeking to make meaningful eye contact for political advantage at denominational meetings (Did I say that outloud?).
4. You’re child wants to wear your favorite clothes for halloween to sport a scary retro look.
3. Your ear hair is longer than your mustache and you are okay with that.
2. You think sandles, dark socks and khaki shorts with a plaid polo shirt are kinda sporty looking.
1. You still wear your polo shirt collar up while sporting spiked hair and winking often with both forefingers pointing when meeting someone new.

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Mosey on up to the Fence

September 25, 2006 glenwoods Leave a comment

Howdy all y’all. Mosey on up to this here fence and sit fer a spell, ya hear?

Listen in on this quartet

Blessings,

Glen Woods

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A Satirical Resume of a Pretend Perfect Children’s Pastor Based on Observations of Expectations (Color Commentary Included)

August 12, 2006 glenwoods Leave a comment

Clark Kent (Might as well go for name recognition)
Married to Lois Lane (Again name recognition, plus she holds down a consistent job so we don’t have to pay Clark as much. She doesn’t play piano but we will forgive her for that THIS time since her work ethic will come in handy doing all the extra stuff we will expect of her as a sort of unwritten contract) This just as easily could be reversed with Lois fulfilling the Children’s Pastor role and Clark in a support role. If you would like to offer feedback on this please contact the Daily Planet Editorial Section.

Personal qualifications: The energy of a twenty year old and the wisdom of an eighty year old.

Personal Appearance: Must look dignified in a way that relates to children, is acceptable to parents, is approvable by church leadership, is not too threatening to other church staff. Must wear clothing made with own hands so as to represent frugality, industriousness and freedom from the temptation to wear designer clothing.

Hair style will be evaluated monthly by an anonymous focus group of otherwise inactive church members. Adjustments must be implemented accordingly and immediately upon pain of public remonstration at the next public hearing.

Proven and demonstrable expertise (A PhD in each would be preferable) in the following disciplines:

Parenting
Husband-wife relationships
Bible, OT and NT
Education, specifically educational ministry and its application to church based educational programs.
Curriculum and instruction with particular emphasis on developing, writing and implementing context-sensitive curriculum specifically designed for the children of any designated ministry situation.
Human development, especially child development with a specialization in working with kids that have special needs. These may include but certainly are not limited to drug affected children, abused children, hyperactive children, children with ADD or ADHD, foster children, children with physical limitations, children of single parents (divorce, widowed, out of wed-lock), children of divorce and remarriage, latch-key children, children of pastors (yes this can represent a special need at times), etc.
Musician, preferably playing an instrument such as guitar or keyboards.
Vocalist.
Choir directing. (Preferably a lyricist and composer as well, so as to save money on purchasing new music)
Drama coach.

Set Designer

Artist (Drawer, painter, sculptor, etc)

Landscape Designer

Waste Management Architect
Nurse
Athletics: A rounded athlete with broad expertise in every sport conceivable.
Theologian (Able to apply theological truth on demand for every situation)
Philosopher
Puppeteer
Juggler
Illusionist
Missionary (Must apply missions principles to reach local neighborhood. A DMiss is acceptable for this requirement)
Clowning
Counselor
Project Manager
Event Planner (Especially large events)
Mentor (Especially mentoring emerging leaders as well as children)
Certified Train the Trainer
Accountant
An “and anything else the pastor tells you to do” resource implementation technician

A photographic memory (Must be able to remember every detail about the children and their families and adult leaders and their families.)

Required experience:
30 years experience growing a childrens ministry to a set number of children to be predetermined by the search committee.
No more than five years out of seminary so as not to be too far removed from training.

Minimum Education: MDiv (But what we really want is lots and lots and lots of practical expertise, the equivalent of which would be more PhDs than could be afforded at a major university).

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Random Dialogue Harvested from 20+ years of Children’s Ministry

August 11, 2006 glenwoods Leave a comment

12 year old boy: Does your moustache grow out of your nose?
My reply: No…. I sneezed and then *whap* there it was!

80 year old woman: What’s that dent on yer forehead?
My reply: It’s the scar from my lobotomy. But I’m feeling much better now!

6 year old girl: Are you married?
My reply: No honey, I am not.
girl: Do you wanna be married?
My reply: No hon….
girl: Do you have a dog?
My reply: no…
girl: a cat?
My reply: no…
girl: a fish?
My reply: *sigh* no….

3 year old girl: You got bad breath!
My reply: Laughter.

6 year old boy: You have really let yourself go. You need to do something about that.
My reply: Thank you for caring. Now let me help you understand respect….

4 year old girl: Are you having a baby?
My reply: A smile and then later, unrestrained laughter.

4 year old girl: Pastor Glen! You’re silly!
My reply: No, you’re silly!
girl: no, you’re silly!
My reply: No, you’re silly!

5 year old girl: You’re the best teacher ever.
My reply: Thank you.

Various adults over many years: When are you going to go into real ministry?
My response: Befuddlement. I never know how to respond graciously to that one so usually I just smile and move on.

Various parents over the years: We appreciate what you are doing. But please never ever ask us to help. We just aren’t “called.”
My response in various forms: Wow. Ok. Well I appreciate your vote of confidence. Just know you are always welcome to partner actively with us as we work together to influence your children for Christ. Also don’t forget that volunteering from time to time in the children’s ministry is one of the best hands on parent training tools we can offer you.

Parent criticizing me for wearing tennis shoes on a Sunday at children’s church: Please wear dress shoes to church. I am trying to get my boys to wear dress shoes but they don’t want to because you don’t.
My response: Well I appreciate your concern to teach your boys a dress code that is important for your family. For my part I plan to continue wearing tennis shoes because I am expected to work with these kids, often out doors, and tennis shoes are more comfortable and hold up better to the abuse I put them through. Perhaps this can be an opportunity to help your boys understand that they must listen to you regardless of what others might be doing.

Parent: I don’t like your sign up sheet. It just isn’t good enough. You need to change it.
My reply: It sounds like you have some heart felt ideas about how to improve the sign up sheet. Here is the sign up sheet. I am giving you full authority to change it however you like. Bring it back to me when you have completed it and we can talk about a final draft. Sound good?
Parent: Sure, I can do that.

End result: It never happened, although I would have welcome the participation.
Moral of the story: I welcome feedback from parents and church members, but along with their feedback I expect them to demonstrate how they plan to be a part of the solution.

4 year old boy: I am a big strong boy!
My reply: Yes you are!
boy: And you are a big strong man!

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